Just stumbled across this lovely article on an ace-centric page I follow on Facebook: https://fit.thequint.com/let-us-talk-sex/asexual-woman-love-and-relationships-without-sex?fbclid=IwAR28p5wfMMaLzhDSP0rgUKjdR9zyqPt8-EifZXKKmyQ86gZ9p7SUq-k3b48
I can’t help but feel incredibly sorry for the author, being sex repulsed and pushing herself into uncomfortable circumstances in relationships simply because of the ignorant attitude of society that love can’t exist without sex. I know the best way to spread the knowledge of asexuality and all its nuances is by being patient, but honestly, a part of me lately just feels like shrieking, especially after reading stories like this where people go through so much discomfort and are made to feel broken just because society hasn’t caught up yet/ just isn’t willing to grasp. In my limited experiences with coming out, once people get over the gag reflex response, ” You just have t found the right person yet”, ( I can’t type that without rolling my eyes) most people don’t find the concept of asexuality so hard to grasp. Whether or not they believe it to be real is another matter completely. It seems to be when a romantic ace brings in wanting romantic love without sex that things get complicated. Love without sex is every bit as deep, as valid as love with it, and yet for so many people, sexually attraction is the defining value of love. I just find that really sad, honestly. There definitely is sex without love, why not love without sex? In my view, love without wanting anything in return, feeling nothing for a person but overwhelming joy being in their presence, seems like the most valid kind of love.
It’s so odd. I see such mixed attitudes when it comes to romantic asexuals. So many people find us perplexing, but there are also a handful of people who look at us and say, “Oh, thank heaven! You’re not a robot after all, you can feel!” I find the second attitude absolutely disgusting. While the confusion perplexes me (really, how complicated is it? Take the butterflies, flirty feelings and deeper affection, subtract sex, boom) the second attitude is the more toxic one. What those people are really saying, I believe, is, ” Well, at least you’re somewhat conforming to how you should be” – particularly if said romantic ace is heteroromantic. I find myself so incredibly grateful for people like the woman in the above article who are sharing their experiences with the broader world, but I find myself infuriated with the broader world simultaneously.
Happy Asexual Awareness Week! Romantic, aromantic, or somewhere in between, you are valid, beautiful, and no where close to an unfeeling robotic or a sociopath- and if you do happen to be a sociopath, it has nothing to do with your orientation(s).
Until next time,
Keep oooooon Aceing It!